God??? Part 2

When I returned home from Nam I was still in my protective bubble. So many things were blocked from my memory. I had that infamous 'thousand yard stare' that so many combat vets develope. Your physically present, but your mind is so far away. You're in another deminsion.
At that time the only law I knew was the law of the jungle. I had changed from the naive young lad from the heartland to someone who was stone cold. I'm not saying that I didn't have feelings for those who were close to me. It's just that my overall demeanor almost unapproachable.
While working as a conservation agent in southern Missouri I attended college courses at night in Springfield. I would share rides with two other agents. We had many conversations to and from classes in the automobile. They were both very religious and I was very much an athiest. Needless to say some of our discusions got very heated. But in the end, neither converted the other. However, one thing I noticed about both of these guys, was that they had a peace about them that I envied. I never shared this thought with them as I felt that would be giving them something to glote about.
I had become the ruler of my universe. Not knowing that it was about to start coming apart, one piece at a time. I took some psych classes to try and fix myself so to speak. I started having flashbacks about Nam. Some of my past was starting to come to light. Eventually i found that alcohol would help to block out much of what was going on in my head, but it would get to a point where not even that helped and I had to surrender to the fact that I didn't rule my universe. For me to surrender to anything was a mighty big pill to swallow. But it was necessary for the healing, that needed to be done. X.

To Believe or Not Believe

In one of the first posts on 'Darkside of the Moon' I mentioned my struggle with a belief in God. I'm diffenatley from Missouri, you have to 'Show Me'.
It is said, "there are no atheist in foxholes". I will argue that statement because I have been there. A very strong atheist in a very scary foxhole. I'm sure that statement was made by a true believer.
Although I started out believing, along my path things just didn't add up in my head. If there was a God, how could he allow such horrible things to happen to good people. I still struggle with that at times when I see things I percieve to be very wrong. A child dieing with cancer, a young person with so much to offer killed in a wreck, this list just goes on.
And since they lied to me about the Easter Bunny and they lied to me about Santa Claus, I decided that they had lied to me about God and now I had the proof.
After I had gotten to this point in my life, I still envied those who were believers to some extent. Mainly because they seemed to have a peace about them that I lacked.
I will talk later about the events that caused me to open my mind to the possibilty that there was something greater than 'I'. X.

Me and Van Gogh

Van Gogh was a talented artist in the 1800's. He led a complicated life which was frot with all kinds of problems. It wasn't until recent years that the medical people decided that he must have suffered from menieres disease not epilpsy as many thought for years. Menieres is a terribly debilating illness. It starts out slowly and progresses into a living hell. A disease of the inner ear which is not totally understood to this day. There are very few doctors who can diagnos it properly. And then even fewer who know how to treat it.
In the early 90's I started to develope the disease myself. It eventually turned my world upside down. Attacks at first occured once a month, then once a week, and eventually they came to call on a daily basis. The nature of the disease causes problems with a persons thinking and ability to concentrate. Since you have one affected ear and one good ear, the brain gets confused trying to decipher two sets of signals from your balance system. This in time causes depression and a fear of going out in public for fear of having an attack. It is much more than being dizzy. It effects your whole mental being.
Most of the doctors I conacted didn't even know much about it or how to treat the disease. After getting to a point where I thought my world might as well end, i found a doctor who understood the disease and knew how to treat it. In 1999 I had surgery on the effected inner ear and have returned to the world of sanity.
Van Gogh wasn't so lucky. They say the reason he cut off his ear was probably because of the disease coupled with the horrible bouts of tinitis that comes with menieres. He eventually killed himself in an attempt to ecscape the horror that comes with a disease that most misundertood in his day. Having had the disease myself the painting above, Starry Night, makes perfect sense to me. X

The Body Bag Flight!

The human brain is an amazing peice of work. It's abilities are endless. Even though they keep trying to outdo it with machines and computers, they will never duplicate it's beauty.
In March of 1967 I had been in Vietnam for nine long months. At that juncture in my tour I had long since acquired the 'thousand yard stare'. I had become a hardened killing machine without emotions or morals. I felt like I was living in a dream world far from the real world.
I was told it was time for my R&R. That was what they called some down time spent at a place of our choice. Usually Taipei or Thailand for a weeks period. Sort of a break from that 'dream world'.
There were about 60 of us going on a flight from Da Nang to Taipei. We were on a C130
cargo plane. It has a big door that folds down to the ground at the rear of the plane and is used as a ramp to load the plane. Since it was a cargo plane the only seating was along both outside walls. You set in canvas seats facing the people who were on the opposite side of the plane about 25 ft. away.
After we had been seated and they raised the tail door. The door suddenly started to reopen and was lowered back to the ground. That's when they started to carry on the bags. They were laid on the floor between our two sides. About 25 in all they stretched from the front to the rear.
Stunned at first, realety started to creep back into my foggy brain. I had seen a number of body bags at that point. Even carried some to the choppers as they were wisked away from that horrible place. But this was way more up close and personal. Silence fell over our group and stayed for an eternity. That is what the trip to Taipei seemed to last any way, an eternity. In the beginning I started to get angry, that they had chose our flight to move the body bags. As time passed I cut through the fog some more and realized there were bodies of my comrades in those bags. That thought kept me from looking at the tag that was on the body bag laying at my feet. Just days before some of my unit had several KIA's. That's when that brain of mine started doing it's number. For some reason, I was unable to look at that tag, that was close enough to touch.
That trip with the body bags was erased from my memory for over 35 years. Then as I got into my 50's I started to have this terrible night mare. Not that I didn't already have a lot of night mares, but this was a new one. I dreamed I was on that C130 fight with the body bags. Much of the dream was what I had experienced originaly. But then the bodies started to move and cry out. That is where I usually would awaken in a cold sweat with my heart about to jump out of my chest. I had this same dream for a considerable time and then just stopped. Somewhere during that time I guess my brain had restored my memory of that flight and it seemed to be alright that I remembered. But that image of those body bags on that plane is as fresh today as it was back then when I lived it. I guess you could say I had gotten some closure for that horrible event. Problem is, I have many more hiding in the recesses of my mind that will eventually come back to haunt me.
The Vietnam War brought several new products to the world. Body bags was one of them. They are still used world wide. Another is 'super glue'. Super glue was first used in Vietnam. It was used to save lives. The medics used it to seal up battle feild wounds so a soldier could make it to a field hospital somewhere. Xavier

The Darkside of Sturgis

On the night of the full moon at Sturgis several of the outlaw bike clubs got into it. A member from each club went to the hospital with knife wounds. A number of people were arrested.
It seems every time we go, the outlaw clubs get into it. The last time they had a shootout at the Custer State Park Campground.
For the most part they don't cause problems with the general public. And even have booths set up to try and improve thier image. Since they compete for territory the disputes usually are caused when one feels his area is being trespassed on.
I would like to make one thing clear here. They would like you to believe they are just good ol boys with a unique lifestyle. The truth is, there is a darkside to that lifestyle. Make no mistake about it. X.

Tom gets suckered by the rubber lady!

Spring turkey hunting season employs a very primal instinct. Sex. Tom turkeys are out looking for a little nookie. It's as old as time itself. So it's always struck me as being a little devious that we who hunt them are being just a tad bit dishonest. The turkey is not thinking with his very sharp and alert brain during this time of year.
When turkey season first opened here in Missouri a person could not use artificail decoys. It made it more difficult to get a turkey then as the hunter had to be extra cunning. The change in the law that allowed decoys has changed that dramatically. Once old Tom sees what he thinks is a lady friend he becomes oblivious to any thing else in his surroundings. The result usually leads to his demise.
You've probably heard jokes about men and inflateable dolls. Well they make inflateable turkey decoys. And I'm sure Mr. Tom doesn't consider them a joke as they can and often are deadly to them.
Why is this on my dark side blog? I have mixed emotions about this style of hunting. You have to be a little twisted to take advantage of Tom in this manner. So, you guessed it, I'm a little twisted. Besides, wild turkey is very tasty. And much healthier for you as it doesn't have a bunch of artificail stuff and chemicals in it's diet.
Gobble Gobble. X.

Denial

"Denial has driven the final nail in many a coffin." Xavier

I was going to title this post "One and a half men and a raving lunatic" but opted for "Denial" as it is more fitting.
First off I'd like to say that Two and a Half Men is one of my favorite sitcom's. It ranks right up there with All in the Family, The Honeymooner's, Cheers, and Seinfeld. One of the things all of these comedies have in commom is that they deal with the dysfunctional personality. Humor has a way of taking the edge off reality and allowing us to heal ourselves.
Secondly, I have some personal insight into the meat of this post, as I have fought my own battles with the demons of Alcohol abuse. I know personally that denial has been and always will be, a major stumbling block in the path of anyone who is dealing with alcohol or substance abuse.
During the past week the american public has been force fed a lot of information about one of the stars from Two and a Half Men. Our media seems to thrive on sensationalism. The public then gladly gobbles it up. I watched Dateline last night. It was primarily interviews with Chucky. He talked of his Tiger Blood and his Adonis DNA. He at times rambled on about who knows what. Said things that didn't make much sense. I was bothered by some of his statements about AA. He bad mouthed them in a major way. AA has helped millions of people recover from alcohol abuse and to lead more productive lives.
Over all the show pretty much documented an egotistacal lunatic in action. Not only is he in denial, but those who surround him are as well. Apparently about one million plus fans are to as they signed on to his new Twitter page as followers.
I try to avoid the tabloids and media shows. I just don't like to clutter up my life with this kind of fluff. But, I think seeing Dateline last night brought home the ugly truth about a person who I've enjoyed watching over the years. Apparently, he is a hundred times worse than the character he portrays on the show. He is one of the "pretty people" out there. They seem to have a bigger problem with denial than us average folk because they are always surrouned by enablers who keep reminding them how "pretty" they are.
I am beginning to wonder if the "Chucky" from the movie fame and the "Real Chucky" that does the sitcom are one in the same.
I have compassion for his family and his true friends for having dealt with his abuse over the years. This whole thing has reminded me of a saying I heard in childhood, "Rave on catshit, somebody will come along and cover you up". I just hope they do before lives are lost. Xavier