Sunday, February 26, 2012

God??? Part 2

When I returned home from Nam I was still in my protective bubble. So many things were blocked from my memory. I had that infamous 'thousand yard stare' that so many combat vets develope. Your physically present, but your mind is so far away. You're in another deminsion.
At that time the only law I knew was the law of the jungle. I had changed from the naive young lad from the heartland to someone who was stone cold. I'm not saying that I didn't have feelings for those who were close to me. It's just that my overall demeanor almost unapproachable.
While working as a conservation agent in southern Missouri I attended college courses at night in Springfield. I would share rides with two other agents. We had many conversations to and from classes in the automobile. They were both very religious and I was very much an athiest. Needless to say some of our discusions got very heated. But in the end, neither converted the other. However, one thing I noticed about both of these guys, was that they had a peace about them that I envied. I never shared this thought with them as I felt that would be giving them something to glote about.
I had become the ruler of my universe. Not knowing that it was about to start coming apart, one piece at a time. I took some psych classes to try and fix myself so to speak. I started having flashbacks about Nam. Some of my past was starting to come to light. Eventually i found that alcohol would help to block out much of what was going on in my head, but it would get to a point where not even that helped and I had to surrender to the fact that I didn't rule my universe. For me to surrender to anything was a mighty big pill to swallow. But it was necessary for the healing, that needed to be done. X.

Monday, February 6, 2012

To Believe or Not Believe

In one of the first posts on 'Darkside of the Moon' I mentioned my struggle with a belief in God. I'm diffenatley from Missouri, you have to 'Show Me'.
It is said, "there are no atheist in foxholes". I will argue that statement because I have been there. A very strong atheist in a very scary foxhole. I'm sure that statement was made by a true believer.
Although I started out believing, along my path things just didn't add up in my head. If there was a God, how could he allow such horrible things to happen to good people. I still struggle with that at times when I see things I percieve to be very wrong. A child dieing with cancer, a young person with so much to offer killed in a wreck, this list just goes on.
And since they lied to me about the Easter Bunny and they lied to me about Santa Claus, I decided that they had lied to me about God and now I had the proof.
After I had gotten to this point in my life, I still envied those who were believers to some extent. Mainly because they seemed to have a peace about them that I lacked.
I will talk later about the events that caused me to open my mind to the possibilty that there was something greater than 'I'. X.