Sunday, February 26, 2012
God??? Part 2
When I returned home from Nam I was still in my protective bubble. So many things were blocked from my memory. I had that infamous 'thousand yard stare' that so many combat vets develope. Your physically present, but your mind is so far away. You're in another deminsion.
At that time the only law I knew was the law of the jungle. I had changed from the naive young lad from the heartland to someone who was stone cold. I'm not saying that I didn't have feelings for those who were close to me. It's just that my overall demeanor almost unapproachable.
While working as a conservation agent in southern Missouri I attended college courses at night in Springfield. I would share rides with two other agents. We had many conversations to and from classes in the automobile. They were both very religious and I was very much an athiest. Needless to say some of our discusions got very heated. But in the end, neither converted the other. However, one thing I noticed about both of these guys, was that they had a peace about them that I envied. I never shared this thought with them as I felt that would be giving them something to glote about.
I had become the ruler of my universe. Not knowing that it was about to start coming apart, one piece at a time. I took some psych classes to try and fix myself so to speak. I started having flashbacks about Nam. Some of my past was starting to come to light. Eventually i found that alcohol would help to block out much of what was going on in my head, but it would get to a point where not even that helped and I had to surrender to the fact that I didn't rule my universe. For me to surrender to anything was a mighty big pill to swallow. But it was necessary for the healing, that needed to be done. X.